BABY STEPS
Baby Steps is a segment of the Baby Shoes Review that is devoted to wretchedly horrible sentences one could start a novel with. In departure from our typical desire to publish only the most respectable and worthwhile writing in Baby Steps, our editorial board of (forgive the plagiarism) 'Undistinguished Judges' are fully committed to awarding the dishonour of publication with us to the most awful false starts conceivable.
If you wish to similarly become celebrated for your poisonously awful artistry simply fill in the forms at the bottom of the page and write a single sentence which, if you glanced at it in the bookstore, would assure you of the most horrible, atrocious novel imaginable. Take your shot at earning the bragging rights of being confirmed and certified as one of the most spectacularly poorly-endowed hacks in the living literary world.
The Origin of Baby Steps:
Out of a Dark And Stormy Night
At The Baby Shoes Review Editorial Board we have been long abiding fans of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for years before the inception of this magazine. For those of you unfamiliar, the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest was an annual competition created by Professor Scott Rice which challenged its entrants to come up with the opening sentence to the 'worst of all possible novels'.
Upon the recent announcement of the competition's final edition, our team thought it would be remiss to let the spirit of celebrating vile and gleefully painful writing to die altogether, even if the contest could not be sustained any further. So, we were inspired to dedicate a section of our magazine to the awful art of irredeemable sludge. It seemed to us this would be a fine way to pay tribute to the excellent work that Scott and EJ Rice have done over the years in delivering the Bulwer-Lytton contest to the delight of reader's everywhere over the years, and we were delighted to find that they thought so as well when we reached out to obtain permission to go ahead with it.
The end product is this, 'Baby Steps', a celebration of this passionate love for shaky beginnings.​ We look forward to having our own panel of undistinguished judges award you what we hope to make the greatest dishonour the literary world has to offer. ​
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Finally, we must end with a very warm note of appreciation towards Scott and EJ Rice, without whom this idea would never have existed, and whose kind encouragement has helped make this possible. Your contribution to bringing laughter into our dark and stormy nights is immeasurable. We hope that you find as much joy in our work as we did in yours.
Example Submissions from Past Winners of the Bulwer-Lytton Contest:
"Mrs. Higgins’ body was found in the pantry, bludgeoned with a potato ricer and lying atop a fifty-pound sack of Yukon golds, her favorite for making gnocchi, though some people consider them too moist for this purpose."
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"Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories."
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"These stories, my children, are about Prince Charming and his three girlfriends: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella."
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"Space Fleet Commander Brad Brad sat in silence, surrounded by a slowly dissipating cloud of smoke, maintaining the same forlorn frown that had been fixed upon his face since he’d accidentally destroyed the phenomenon known as time, thirteen inches ago."
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"I knew she was trouble the second she walked into my 24-hour deli, laundromat, and detective agency, and after dropping a load of unmentionables in one of the heavy-duty machines (a mistake that would soon turn deadly) she turned to me, asking for two things: find her missing husband and make her a salami on rye with spicy mustard, breaking into tears when I told her I couldn’t help—I was fresh out of salami."
Submit Your Most Revolting Opening Sentence For a Novel Here
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